Believe it or not, there’s more than one way to be intimate in a relationship.

When I ask some of my male clients what this looks like for them, most struggle to come up with answers outside of sexual activity, sexual desire, sexual intercourse, meeting their partner’s sexual needs, or anything related to sex. If it isn’t about sex, then it’s related to some physical act like cuddling or hugging. While physical touch is very important to intimacy (probably the cornerstone of intimacy), it isn’t the only expression.

So, I decided to write a piece about intimacy and its various forms. The end goal is to educate you  on what intimacy is in a way that’s concise and informative. Because at the end of the day, every healthy relationship knows how to thrive in ways that go beyond a physical connection. That’s what leads to profound levels of relationship satisfaction.

In this piece, we cover

• The role intimacy plays in relationships
• How sex and intimacy differ
• The connection between intimacy and mental health
• Strategies to improve the intimacy levels in your relationship

The role of intimacy in relationships

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), intimacy is an interpersonal state of extreme emotional closeness such that each party’s personal space can be entered by any of the other parties without causing discomfort to that person. Intimacy characterizes close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationships and requires the parties to have a detailed knowledge or deep understanding of each other.

In other words, intimacy is being so close to another person, your personal space easily becomes theirs; all they have to do is enter it. Imagine being that connected to someone without feeling annoyed on a recurring basis. Well, I’m here to tell you those sorts of intimate relationships exist. It’s possible to have one once you explore the various forms of intimacy.

Sexual intimacy

Sexual intimacy occurs when two partners have sex, usually with an emotional connection already existing. This is the most common and popular type of intimacy I see couples exploring in their relationships.

It is possible to have sex without intimacy (more on this in a bit), but intimate sex creates a deeply satisfying experience for you and your significant other. My clients rave all the time about how pairing intimacy with sex radically improved their sex life overall. Still, it’s important to note—healthy romantic relationships incorporate a balance of different forms of intimacy.

Emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy is the most obvious, non-physical form to express. It involves sharing your emotions, feelings, and thoughts in a vulnerable capacity with your partner. They aren’t your therapist, but they are someone you feel comfortable and safe opening up to.

You can be emotionally intimate with a romantic partner or in a platonic friendship. Regardless of the type of expression, remember that this type of intimacy is built on authenticity, compassion, and trust.

Physical intimacy

Physical intimacy includes any physical expressions of care, love, or a desire for closeness. A handful of examples include:

• Caressing

• Cuddling or spooning

• Holding hands

• Foreplay

No matter what variation of physical intimacy you embrace, focus on the desire to be closer to your partner. That’s what makes any physical act intimate.

Sensual intimacy

Sensual intimacy is somewhat similar to physical intimacy. There’s an emphasis on physical touch, but the focal point is how your senses are stimulated, going beyond just what you feel. Sensual intimacy can be:

• Holding hands

• Hugging

• Kissing

• Erotic massages

• Sensual massages

Spiritual intimacy

Spiritual intimacy is all about sharing your beliefs, feelings, and thoughts about life after death, moral values, religion, spirituality, and any other related topic. It isn’t rooted in religion, although religious beliefs and customs can definitely be part of it.

Spiritual intimacy also means you listen to your partner’s stances on spirituality in a non-judgmental, supportive way. At its core, you walk side by side on your spiritual journeys, encouraging and motivating each other while growing closer.

How sex and intimacy differ

Sex and intimacy often get confused, so I’ll explain the key differences.

Sex is purely a physical act. It requires arousal plus physical response to some stimuli. By itself, it doesn’t require intimacy.

Intimacy, on the other hand, doesn’t require being physical. It’s establishing a deep, genuine connection with another person, one that oftentimes involves an emotional connection. The more intimate you are with your partner, the more you trust them, leading to increased vulnerability.

The benefits of intimate sex

It’s clear you can be intimate without having sex and vice versa, but when paired together, the two make one heck of a combination. Here are some reasons why intimate sex is so powerful.

• Immune system boosts: The less sex you have, the more likely you are to experience immune system deficiencies. The more sex you have, the more competently your immune system can deal with pathogens, keeping you healthy.

• Improved heart health: Regular sexual activity is great for your well-being, specifically your heart. It can delay the onset of any cardiovascular diseases.

• Improved self-esteem: Having sex and feeling wanted by another person never hurts your self-esteem. It makes you more confident.

• Improved skin appearance: Oxytocin, one of the feel-good hormones produced while having sex, leads to visible improvements to your skin. If you’ve ever wondered why your partner seems to be glowing, consider it the highest form of sexual satisfaction.

• Pain relief: Having sex can provide relief from chronic pain conditions impacting your back, as well as leg cramps and migraines. It’s also an effective way to reduce menstrual cramps in women.

• Releases feel-good hormones: the four types of feel-good hormones are dopamine, endorphins, oxytocin, and serotonin. They play key roles in your mood, emotions, and satisfaction. Having sex releases all of them, making you your happiest, most euphoric self.

Intimacy and mental health

There are so many benefits to ushering intimacy into your relationship. The majority of articles out there highlight the benefits that sexual intimacy provides. Those are great, but again, the point of this piece is to help you foster intimate connections with your significant other that go beyond penetration.

Fostering intimacy in ways that aren’t related to your sex drive has numerous mental health benefits, including but not limited to:

• Increased emotional resilience

• Lower risk of depression

• Reduced anxiety and stress

• Decreases in feelings of loneliness

• Greater life satisfaction

Ways to improve intimacy in your relationship

Finding ways to promote intimacy in your relationship is easier said than done. It requires consistency, effort, lots of communication, and loads of work. But, when done right, it makes the difference between being in a relationship that feels forced and distant versus one with nothing but feelings of closeness.

If you’re struggling to foster intimacy in your relationship, I sympathize with you. Read on for several tips and suggestions to improve how intimate you and your significant other are.

Sexual intimacy

Sexual intimacy, to most people, involves penetration. It’s possible to be sexually intimate without any form of penetration.

One way to do this is called non-penetrative sex. It’s a great way to embrace sexual experiences that don’t require an orgasm. Examples include dry humping, erotic dancing, nipple stimulation, sensual massages, or stripteases.

Sometimes, this is also referred to as outercourse, which, like non-penetrative sex, is all about engaging in sexual activities that don’t involve intercourse or penetration.

Emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy centers around doing things that strengthen the emotional bond you have with your partner. The two easiest ways to do this are sharing your emotions and being vulnerable, especially when it’s difficult. Every successful long-term relationship understands how important emotional intimacy is.

Learning to be more playful is another great way to create emotional intimacy in your relationship. So is being appreciative—you’ll be surprised how far a simple “thank you” or “I appreciate you” can go.

Physical intimacy

Physical intimacy is a foundational component of compatibility. When you like someone, you want to be physical with them. All too often though, this means sex. Physical intimacy does go hand-in-hand with great sex, but the two aren’t one and the same.

You can improve the physical intimacy between you and your significant other by:

• Being flirtatious: The longer we’re with someone, the easier it is to forget how valuable being flirty is. Being flirtatious improves the physicality between you and your other half. Sending racy texts, seductive pics, or alluring audio messages goes a long way to keep the physical spark in your love affair alive.

• Eye contact: Locking eyes with your partner—whether it’s during dinner, foreplay, or a casual stroll—is a great way to improve your physical connection. See how long you can stare into each other’s eyes without ending up in bed.

• Physical affection: I’d be a fool if I didn’t mention physical affection here. If it’s something physical—like nuzzling, cuddling, or spooning—and your partner enjoys it, then keep it in the mix.

And don’t forget about masturbation! Before you object, remember—no penetration required (technically). Masturbating is an important part of your sexual health, regardless of whether it’s solo or partnered.

Among its many benefits, it helps improve focus, alleviates aches and pains, reduces anxiety and depression, and elevates your self-esteem. So, if you’re looking for a way to embrace sex without intercourse, this is it.

Sensual intimacy

Sensual intimacy, like physical intimacy, incorporates touch, but it’s all about using all of your senses—touch, taste, sight, smell, and hearing—to heighten how intimate you are with your partner.

The easiest way to participate in sensual intimacy, then, is to use all of your senses.

As one example, blindfold each other while sharing a delectable dessert—maybe throw in a nice white or red wine. Bring home scented flowers and use them to caress one another’s bodies. Use scented gels or warming oils to give each other unforgettable sensual massages.

Find mutually beneficial ways to engage all the senses. The more you incorporate simultaneously, the more enjoyable the experience.

Spiritual intimacy

Spiritual intimacy is probably the toughest non-physical form to cultivate.

All too often, I see couples struggle because they think they need to be 100 percent aligned on every aspect. That isn’t necessary and creates pointless barriers between you and your partner. You don’t need to see eye-to-eye on everything—just the foundational parts, whatever that looks like for you.

Ways to improve the spiritual intimacy in your relationship include:

• Sharing spiritual practices: That could look like mediation, prayer, or deep reflection. The goal is to connect deeper while sharing a sense of unity.

• Create rituals together: You could go to church, read spiritual texts or watch spiritual videos, celebrate specific holidays, or just light candles in a quiet, spacious room. These rituals become shared experiences that strengthen your connection.

• Practice gratitude: It may seem cheesy or like today’s latest trend, but practicing gratitude really does make a difference. Whether that’s writing in a gratitude journal, taking time out of your day to focus on what you appreciate, or sharing what you’re grateful for during dinner, practicing gratitude brings you and your partner closer and improves your life outlook at the same time.

Consult a mental health professional

Sometimes the aforementioned tips aren’t enough.

In those cases, clients have struggles going beyond issues with their significant other—problems that are emotional, physical, or psychological. That’s when I recommend enlisting the services of a mental health professional.

Quality mental health experts, like therapists, understand the link between any past trauma and how it affects things like intimacy, your sexual relationships, and your general wellness.

Consider a sex fast

Toward the beginning, I mentioned how challenging it is to see couples only embracing sex or sexual intimacy in their relationships.

This is a swift way to make your sex life mediocre. If you want to sustain a healthy sex life over the course of your relationship, consider a sex fast. It doesn’t need to be anything super hardcore and extensive; just long enough for you to crave this form of intimacy with your significant other again.

While you build anticipation and desire, use the other forms of intimacy to amplify the intensity between the two of you. That way, you deepen your connection and grow fonder of each other in the process.

Seek a sex therapist

Sex therapy is more specialized than general therapy. What you get with a sex therapist goes beyond what a traditional mental health professional provides.

At its roots, sex therapy is a form of talk therapy focused on helping individuals and couples improve their sexual satisfaction levels. It covers everything related to sex—anxiety, disorders, questions about sexuality, and so on.

I’d recommend looking for an AASECT certified sex therapist. AASECT, or the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, certifies sexual health practitioners in four categories—educator, counselor, therapist, or supervisor.

Certified therapists like me have extensive knowledge and experience working with individuals and couples who desire to improve their sex lives.

Whether you need someone who specializes in sex therapy, sexual trauma, sex addiction, or simply want help with becoming more intimate, I take a personalized, holistic approach to helping you achieve a satisfying sex life.

I also help those interested with marriage counseling. This is more tailored to couples who want to improve how relational they are to each other comprehensively—not just those looking to improve their intimacy or sex life. It’s proven very beneficial, especially in relationships where neither party initially saw the upsides.

No matter what you’re in need of, reach out today to schedule a free consultation. You won’t regret it!

References

American Psychological Association (n.d.). Intimacy. APA Dictionary of Psychology. https://dictionary.apa.org/intimacy